Confession Time
Posted by mimi on Feb 15, 2005 in dish | 12 commentsI am a bad writer.
I don’t mean bad writer in the sense of my writing is bad (at least, I hope that’s not the case), but that I am bad. I do bad things. I do not have an appropriately writerly persona.
Take journaling, for instance. I have lots of journals. Lovely journals. Journals with just the right kind of paper, the creamy velvety kind that calls to you in a sultry voice, “Get your fountain pen and touch me, darling, the sensation will be eeeeeeeeeeexquisite.”
And what do I do? The equivalent of the one-night stand. I curl up with the journal, make passionate love to it for the span of say, about, ten days, then abandon it. Harshly. As in, don’t write, don’t call, purge the number from the cell phone, have we met?
It’s a shame. I have generous writer friends who are far more faithful than I who are constantly introducing me to yet another journal (“It’s cute! I think you two would make a great couple!”). So I smile, accept the gift, and then proceed to toy with its affections. I use purple ink, so my journal will think it is unique and special (“It’s not black!”). I use a fountain pen, so it will imagine itself in an upper echelon from other journals of its type (“Anyone can fish a ballpoint out of the sofa–my writer uses a fine writing instrument!”). Sometimes, I even sketch in it, the writer equivalent of kinky sex. (*shudders with abandon*) If I’m feeling particularly cruel, I’ll toy with its affections by launching into an ambitious creativity exploration, like Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way or The Right to Write, and start Morning Pages (“She tells me everything! We have such a bond!”) and creativity exercises (“I’m essential to developing her craft!”). Those are the cruellest breakups of all, because one morning I’ll get up and find that getting DH and the kids dressed and in the car far supersedes my ménage-a-deux with the Journal of the Week, and Morning Pages bite the dust. Or the creativity exercises just stop at, say, number eleven out of a series of twelve. Yes, I toy with my journals and toss them aside until I start eyeing another with the enthusiasm of a writer on the make in a seedy literature bar (“Hey, handsome, may I ply you with ink?”).
And all for naught. I am doomed to repeat the cycle, furled pages in my wake. I am a journal flirt. I want nothing more from my journal than cheap entertainment. A hookup. A scribble call, if you will.
And yet, I want to be better. I want to settle down. I want to develop a long-lasting, passionate relationship with a journal, something that will say to the world that I Am A Real Writer–I Keep A Journal, Of Course! Alas, I fear that will never happen. I know me. I am too attracted by a fresh set of pages to remain devoted to just one volume.
Don’t even get me started on “write every day.” It’ll take something along the line of the Anthony Trollope Dedicated Writer Development Bootcamp to cultivate that habit. (You did know that he wrote five thousand words every day, in longhand, before he went to his “real” job at the post office, didn’t you?)
Bad writer. No office supplies.
You ARE NOT a “bad” writer—nor are you a hooker of words:) Your post here was one of the most creative I have read in a LONG time. I could certainly relate to this entry because I think my collection of journals is comparable to yours. All of them with 10 (tops) entries and then, like a “john” or “jill?” I dump them and go to the next. I started blogging thinking it would MAKE me have more momentum; after all, I’m announcing to the entire www I Am A Blogger.
I wish I could come close to your most interesting and entertaining way of blog expression. I could see this entry in an upcoming romantic suspense–written by your heroine.
JoMarie Grinkiewicz (a.k.a. April Star)www.aprilstar.net
Fellow CFRWA member
I have to agree with the previous comments. Enjoyed reading of your tawdry affairs with your journals. You literary hussy, you. Seriously, the thing about journaling is there are no rules. Nobody says you have to write until the end of the book. You’re constantly changing and trying new things. That, m’dear, is called living. Enjoy!
You’re definitely not alone in this! I too have a wonderful collection of journals I mean to write in. Some have a couple of things written – poems, research info etc. And there’s one that remains, to this day, completely empty. It has a beautiful cover, which is why I bought it, and lovely paper. Yet I haven’t brought myself to write in it in case I ruin it by starting something I can’t finish.
So, take heart. You’re NOT a bad writer.
totally cracking up here! I finally, just a few months ago, tore the pages with actual writing on them out of all of my lovely journals (total of all pages=maybe 30) and gave the books to my daughter to draw in. Not a journaler; no no no no no no.
awesome blog, ML!
hugs,
alesia
I have a wonderful collection of journals and alas they are all full. I love to journal. I find it cathartic. I’ve journaled about good days and bad. Sometimes I’ve had to go back and rip out the pages because of how angry and mean I was. But I think that’s why I love my journal. No one will read it and it gives me a chance to clear out my head.
I have a hard time with morning pages. I’ve tried AW so many times and can’t commit!
K 🙂
Hilarious post! Very well said.
Mimi, what a great post! I laughed and laughed, and I can totally relate to what you said. I think I have the same relationship with my blog. Seemed so cute in the beginning, I was all enthusiastic…now I struggle to get back there once a week (forget about daily!!). 🙂
Maybe you aren’t faithful to your journal, but your blog sure looks well cared for. (And a lot more entertaining than anything I’ve ever been able to come up with for mine!)
Your writing skills are doing just fine, journals or no journals. Keep up the good work!
Cathy Chant 🙂
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Webmaster, From the Heart Romance Writers (FTHRW.com)
Webmaster, Futures Mystery Anthology Magazine (FMAM.biz)
Mimi–I would have to say you’ve abandoned your journals and gone for the cybersex version of journaling. Now, instead of grasping that seven-inch Bic, you’re caressing your keyboard lovingly, whispering sweet words to it and doing it Bloggy Style! LOL
After more thought, I had to link your blog to mine and share the bloggy style joke… so you will be getting more people reading your confession, which I thought was fabulous. Steph
LOL Mimi I think Steph has ya there! I have journal avoidance. I’ve never even bought one. What kind of writer am I?
My friend gave me a journal for christmas. She covered it in a bandana print and put little cut outs of boots and ropes on it and it’s lying on my bedroom floor as sad and pathetic as a country song.
Well, you sure made me feel guilty! I pulled out my journal and wrote a few pages. I’ve been meaning to–really, I have. But it has been a month since I posted in my neat journal a friend bought for me.
Thanks for the push–it was needed.
Dee
Wonderful read! Has a *Carrie Bradshaw – Sex in the City* feel and tone.
Save all this up and in some future date do a collection essay and publish like Carrie did. Dance through the book tour, publicity and then a TV show. We’ll all tune in every Sunday night at nine.
I’m just in awe how you find time to work the full time job, take care of the home and hubby and love/raise the munchkins.
Super Woman thy name is Mimi!
Enjoy the journey. Every day is full of gifts and surprises.
Only another writer can understand the blood, sweat and tears behind making the stories and the agent win. We are all in your corner.